Hockey Players Forced to Use Legs Due to Toronto Gridlock
TORONTO – A professional hockey team based in Utah was forced to walk more than two city blocks to a pre-game meeting, as their team bus was stuck in very normal downtown Toronto traffic circumstances. The team bus was travelling as the annual Toronto Santa Claus parade was ending, leading to some people suggesting a reason for the unusual traffic in the area.
As a result, noted car enthusiast Doug Ford, Premier of Ontario, immediately tabled a bill that will fast track all Ontario Santa Claus Parades to take place on the 400 series highways. With a new 400 series highway days away from shovels in the ground, Premier Ford spoke about the new bill.
“Toronto showed the province why we must move everything to a 400 series highway, starting with Santa Claus Parades. The gridlock caused by Santa Claus parades highlights the absurdity of Toronto traffic. Once we move all parades to the 400 series highways, imagine how fast those floats can proceed. A two-hour parade can now be done in minutes. All from the safety of your gas-powered vehicle. It’s just common sense.”
The Premier disclosed that he was idling in his car parked in a lane inconveniently reserved for cyclists, when he saw the professional hockey athletes pass by on foot. “When I see these young men, who are in peak physical shape, having to walk more than two blocks to their pre-game meeting, it makes my blood boil. As the Premier of Ontario, I was embarrassed that we forced these professional athletes to use sidewalks. It’s amazing they were able to navigate all the people that choose to live on those same sidewalks.”
Mayors and councillors throughout Ontario have mixed reactions to what Ford is calling the Speedy Santa bill. Acknowledging the inconvenience of having to relocate their parade route, but also recognized the absurdity of car-using-parade-goers forcing athletes to use their legs.
Paul Channing, Mayor of North Bay, Ontario, spoke in favor of the Speedy Santa bill. “It will be a slight inconvenience for us to travel the two and a half hours down to the closest 400 series highway, but obviously it’s something that must happen. I can’t tell you how many emails and phone calls I’m receiving daily from North Bay residents that are just sick to their stomach when they see a full line of cyclists using the Bloor St bike lane in downtown Toronto. And now to see these poor young hockey lads, having to walk over two blocks during a mild November evening in downtown Toronto? That’s not the Ontario any of us want. The reason many North Bay residents moved here was to get away from people walking instead of driving. To see these athletes doing this same walking, it’s rubbing salt in the wound to the people of North Bay.”
Hamilton City Council was mid-council meeting when the Speedy Santa edict was made public. On the verge of approving several new mental health and addiction centres to help address Hamilton’s housing crisis, council agreed to scrap those plans so funding can be diverted to transport parade floats to the nearby Queen Elizabeth Way 400 series highway. Councillor Joseph Canning, who was elected on the promise of helping the unhoused, had no problem shifting gears. “I would be doing the unhoused people of our city a disservice if I did not use funding to transport parade floats to the QEW.” Canning continued, “I can only tow one with my Dodge Ram, and I’m not going to use my summer SUV in the winter. It’s an easy choice to divert funding to support float transportation.”
Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow is the lone municipal leader in all of Ontario that objects to the Speedy Santa bill. When asked why she would even have an opinion on motorized traffic (Mayor Chow has gone on record stating she will often walk short distances instead of driving), she responded “This Santa Claus parade happens every year and planned months in advance. The parade had just finished, of course there is going to be traffic as there is whenever any major event finishes in a city of 3 million+ people. Our city just completed six nights of Taylor Swift without any major traffic issues, however a professionally funded NHL team does not have the foresight to navigate around Santa Claus?”.
“Nonsense” was the response from Kirkland Lake Mayor Sofia Landon. “We held our Santa Claus parade on the exact same day, and there were zero issues with traffic.” Kirkland Lake, a city with over 7,500 residents attracts almost 500 people to their parade each year. “We are excited to have future Santa Claus parades on the 400 series highways, even if the closest access is 5 hours away. Now that the parade will go by faster on a highway, we will be able to turn around to drive home almost immediately!”
Premier Ford also hinted at changes to the recently passed Bill 212 which discourages travelling by anything but automobile. “The popular Bill 212, which passed unanimously without needing any discussion or voting, may even be modified to make it illegal for any parade to travel less than 110 km per hour. Like grabbing a cold beer while gassing up your vehicle at a Petro-Canada, watching a parade in your car at high speeds will become second nature for Ontarians. We’ll wonder how we ever did anything without being in our cars.” Santa Claus, nor the professional hockey athletes who use their legs for a living could not be reached for comment.
